when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
when nothing goes right… go left
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is