The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
me when the borders lift
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.