Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
You Might Also Like
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
PLEASE READ
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend