How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.