[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Just me?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Looking at you, Jesus.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.