daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
plums roundup
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me irl
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?