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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore