[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
This makes total sense…
this country is so goddamn polarized
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.