Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
how to have fun when you’re poor
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog