the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I will never stop laughing at this
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…