Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.