One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
You Might Also Like
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running