me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
You Might Also Like
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Greeting humans vs their dogs