You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match