Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]