Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.