You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck