movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes