*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6