I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
sir, my pâté if you please
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.