him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?