One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.