[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Safety first
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it