Chemical wingman
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
#polloftheday
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl