They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
this is uni
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.