[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.