A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
english majors be like furthermore
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My birthstone is kidney
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.