son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You Might Also Like
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
stand with me against insufficient seating
HERE’S MARKY
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles