….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
#gardening
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over