the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️