I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
You Might Also Like
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Sharon, call the vet
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.