[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
August 8
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My whole life was a lie.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins