Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
? 💀
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.