If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”