Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.