Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter