Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard