Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
You Might Also Like
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Breaking news:
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do