Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.