It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat