There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
This raises questions
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
they split up moments later
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Remember folks 😂
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”