What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
You Might Also Like
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂