Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.