*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
👾👾👾
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.