Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?