My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Hmmmmm
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
🙋♀️
Don’t frighten the programmers!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken