Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?