In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.