For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Meow
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.