Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.